Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Dreams of my life, really weren't dreams....they were puzzle pieces that needed be connected....

****Rather than being hard on yourself for not having accomplished more, spend a moment congratulating yourself on how far you have come and how much you have already accomplished. Give yourself reasons why it may be perfect to be where you are today, rather than criticizing yourself because you have not done more. Focus on all you are doing and learning that is preparing you to have more. Acquiring the skill of talking positively to yourself will help you develop inner strength and trust to take the actions you will need to take as you follow your path.****

    It is the first sentenced that always got me in the past, ha-ironic its kind of mentioning "don't dwell the past".....But that is what I did until I changed my mindset and surrounded myself with people that LIFTED me up rather than bring me down. See, I don't think I ever told anyone how my life was in South Bend for 8 years. Maybe Jeff a little bits of pieces come out here and there.....and maybe my mom and sister.  SO, I think that is what I am going to do tonight. Give you a little "insight" on my past...because it is what made me who I am today. 
     So I moved out of my parents house....and in with Matt. We eventually moved to South Bend,  IN to I guess have a fresh start and get out of the house we lived in that had mold. We resided in South Bend, living in a house where you share everything but your bedroom. Tell me about it!!! We paid rent on a weekly basis, meaning that person that is showering in the bathroom might not be there next week.  We honestly had  some interesting people live there. And on top of that our back yard was train tracks, our landlord lived across the street and we lived across the street from a "inn" which was a crack place. Yes real exciting!!! BUT it was a place to live. 
    We didn't have a phone, so my parents nor his parents knew where we were. There were times, that my mom didn't even know I was alive. Yea, your probably thinking how can you do that? Well, lets just say....I call my mother at LEAST twice a day! Yes, I know that wasn't right..but, people go through different things in life...so please don't judge. 

 I ended up getting a job at a daycare and walked to work everyday. On my way to work I saw a really small house for rent. We eventually moved into there. We were moving on up.....just down the road.  We met a lot of people that crossed our lives, and God was with us. Matt went through a lot of emotional, mental, problems. Started turning to THC and hard liquor. Now, he wasn't the type of person that was mellow on liquor. He was raging....and liked to hit things. He never physically hit me I guess you can say. But, it was more a mentally and emotional abuse more than anything.
I pushed a lot of "marriage" on him. I mean well we were there together for 6 years...Its kind of like, if you want to be with someone why hold back and let your life pass you by?  To this day, I am SO blessed it didn't happen!

                                          We then moved to Osceola. Brand new apartment. The drinking never stopped. The THC never stopped. Paychecks were dwindling away. I never seen his paychecks. It was like I was paying all the bills on 7.25 and hour and he was using his 700 dollar checks on liquor and THC. So, I was the "man" of the house. I paid the bills, cleaned the house, cooked the dinner and watch him just enjoy himself in his little own world. 

                          Well that is when I became very isolated. I was  by myself. I called my mom, his mom, sister. Not often but more than in the beginning of this story. Never rarely seen my nephew grow up or went to family functions. It was like I was alienating my family---because I didn't feel that I had anyone. I thought they would look  down on me for what I was at that moment.  Well that was not the case. 

So, one day we ended it. I am not going to be detail oriented on how we ended because it is not the point of my story.I moved back home where I was suppose to be the whole entire time. Or was I? No. God intended for me to go through the emotional,mentally abuse. Living to the point, where I think that I am not going to live because we are so darn broke, and becoming so fricking strong was the outcome of his test!

        I am not saying I am perfect. What I am saying is--that I am so blessed to of  gone through ever single lesson in life because I wouldn't be the person I am today. I sometimes struggle to think well, if I would've stayed living at my parents house I would be....who knows, who cares. It wasn't meant to be that way!!!!


                                                                Now in my life right now--I am close to my mom, dad, sister than I have ever been. I have the most amazing man in my life that has brought me joy, happiness, love and the list goes on. I know when I get home at night, that he inst going to be drunk, have mixed feelings, hes going to come home tonight and hes going to love me who I am. He is going to be proud that I am bettering my life. He is my best friend & God has given him me. He is a blessing. So, whatever has happened in your past--be proud of them because they are puzzles pieces of YOU. 

God Bless. 

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