Well I don't know what to think anymore.

I am going through things that are very frustrating lately. 

I don't know if is something personal that I need to work on or what? I know that Jeff loves me. And I know that there is a future. I can't imagine my life without him. So, that means something. 

I sometimes think that our relationship should be the same as it was when we first started dating.

He swept me off my feet.......and now that we are comfortable with each other its like we are just a couple living with each other....no romance, no sex, nothing....

If you are reading this publicly...well let me know your thoughts. 

Bye for now. 

I will give you my last dollar.....

If  I was making let's say 200,000 annually. I wouldn't have to work. I would be able to have my four boys or children like my dream. I would be donating to people, that are in need, to charities and so on.......why do some people who have plenty of money act like their shit don't stink? Because, I hate to break it to you---it does. everyone shits stinks..unless you arent eating and well if that happens your bound to get highly constipated and have some digestive problems. No, really. They get blessed with a materialistic item ---that is green. but also, buys THINGS! And then, they buy, buy, buy, buy and think they are the best thing on earth. Well, maybe in their eyes they are. 

I think that the poorest people are the ones who have money. Because, that is all they have. Yea they might have nice cars, fancy houses, hot man/woman in thier life,  able to buy anything they want, not worry about bills and so on. 

I just boggles me. 

Then you have me. I don't have a big expensive house, nor do I have an expensive car, I am not buying 145 dollars shirts and jeans, and making almost 30k. But, yet I still get heart broken when I see people struggling in life and living in their car, standing outside of walmart at the stop lights with a sign needing money. I dont know if that person is going to use that money for food, clothing, gas or a place to live. What I do know is, that is what Jesus would do. He wouldnt ask. He would simply and kindly give that person the things they need. 

Why cant the world be like that? 

Dreams of my life, really weren't dreams....they were puzzle pieces that needed be connected....

****Rather than being hard on yourself for not having accomplished more, spend a moment congratulating yourself on how far you have come and how much you have already accomplished. Give yourself reasons why it may be perfect to be where you are today, rather than criticizing yourself because you have not done more. Focus on all you are doing and learning that is preparing you to have more. Acquiring the skill of talking positively to yourself will help you develop inner strength and trust to take the actions you will need to take as you follow your path.****

    It is the first sentenced that always got me in the past, ha-ironic its kind of mentioning "don't dwell the past".....But that is what I did until I changed my mindset and surrounded myself with people that LIFTED me up rather than bring me down. See, I don't think I ever told anyone how my life was in South Bend for 8 years. Maybe Jeff a little bits of pieces come out here and there.....and maybe my mom and sister.  SO, I think that is what I am going to do tonight. Give you a little "insight" on my past...because it is what made me who I am today. 

     So I moved out of my parents house....and in with Matt. We eventually moved to South Bend,  IN to I guess have a fresh start and get out of the house we lived in that had mold. We resided in South Bend, living in a house where you share everything but your bedroom. Tell me about it!!! We paid rent on a weekly basis, meaning that person that is showering in the bathroom might not be there next week.  We honestly had  some interesting people live there. And on top of that our back yard was train tracks, our landlord lived across the street and we lived across the street from a "inn" which was a crack place. Yes real exciting!!! BUT it was a place to live. 

    We didn't have a phone, so my parents nor his parents knew where we were. There were times, that my mom didn't even know I was alive. Yea, your probably thinking how can you do that? Well, lets just say....I call my mother at LEAST twice a day! Yes, I know that wasn't right..but, people go through different things in life...so please don't judge. 

 I ended up getting a job at a daycare and walked to work everyday. On my way to work I saw a really small house for rent. We eventually moved into there. We were moving on up.....just down the road.  We met a lot of people that crossed our lives, and God was with us. Matt went through a lot of emotional, mental, problems. Started turning to THC and hard liquor. Now, he wasn't the type of person that was mellow on liquor. He was raging....and liked to hit things. He never physically hit me I guess you can say. But, it was more a mentally and emotional abuse more than anything.

I pushed a lot of "marriage" on him. I mean well we were there together for 6 years...Its kind of like, if you want to be with someone why hold back and let your life pass you by?  To this day, I am SO blessed it didn't happen!

                                          We then moved to Osceola. Brand new apartment. The drinking never stopped. The THC never stopped. Paychecks were dwindling away. I never seen his paychecks. It was like I was paying all the bills on 7.25 and hour and he was using his 700 dollar checks on liquor and THC. So, I was the "man" of the house. I paid the bills, cleaned the house, cooked the dinner and watch him just enjoy himself in his little own world. 

                          Well that is when I became very isolated. I was  by myself. I called my mom, his mom, sister. Not often but more than in the beginning of this story. Never rarely seen my nephew grow up or went to family functions. It was like I was alienating my family---because I didn't feel that I had anyone. I thought they would look  down on me for what I was at that moment.  Well that was not the case. 

So, one day we ended it. I am not going to be detail oriented on how we ended because it is not the point of my story.I moved back home where I was suppose to be the whole entire time. Or was I? No. God intended for me to go through the emotional,mentally abuse. Living to the point, where I think that I am not going to live because we are so darn broke, and becoming so fricking strong was the outcome of his test!

        I am not saying I am perfect. What I am saying is--that I am so blessed to of  gone through ever single lesson in life because I wouldn't be the person I am today. I sometimes struggle to think well, if I would've stayed living at my parents house I would be....who knows, who cares. It wasn't meant to be that way!!!!

                                                                Now in my life right now--I am close to my mom, dad, sister than I have ever been. I have the most amazing man in my life that has brought me joy, happiness, love and the list goes on. I know when I get home at night, that he inst going to be drunk, have mixed feelings, hes going to come home tonight and hes going to love me who I am. He is going to be proud that I am bettering my life. He is my best friend & God has given him me. He is a blessing. So, whatever has happened in your past--be proud of them because they are puzzles pieces of YOU. 

God Bless. 

What my dreams are.....picture this...

Waking up to a sunrise, sitting on your the wrap around porch with a good ole' cup of Starbucks coffee. With the wind in your hair, and the sweet smell of fall in the air. Having no worries about what life is going to throw at you today because you have Gods strength. 

I have many dreams that I want to pursue in my life. Sometimes, I think that there are so many dreams but I don't have enough time here on earth. Is that true?  I am almost 30. I want to have children some day. Sometimes I think, wow maybe God doesn't want my purpose to involve having children, but then again he knows how I feel, think, act when children are around. I have the "motherly feeling-where you see a baby and are like aw, I want one." Kind of like, when you see a puppy or a kitten. 

I want to get married. To the man of my dreams. I sleep next to him every night. That is another one of my dreams. He is my rock if you will. I would like that before anything happens to my parents. My dream is to have  my father walk my down the aisle....His back isn't in good shape, so I pray that he never has to go into a wheel chair. 

So these are just a few of my dreams...more to come at a later date. 

Stay classy--